Life of a year back student: the life you never live

“Many things in life, happens for the first time”, I keep saying this to myself again and again and try to forgive myself by putting the blame on the time and tides. But that black spot can never be taken off, I know. Living the life of a detainee is not fun, and nobody likes to be in that state as the thought of it itself makes one’s heart beat bounce. I am through it, yap I admit that it’s no ‘mission impossible’ deal but it took some nerve to survive the period and get back to the class rooms.

Engineering, as the name itself excites the senses, everyone tries to score and roar in the first year. Nothing feels good like first year isn’t it? New world, new friends, new girls and new dreams. But guess what, it’s the only year where you will study the most in the entire course, true for many students. I was also on in that race. Studying like a school kid, I could score 74% in the first semester. The next semester it got reduced to 68%, with no backlogs. Internals were the main part for the enhancement of the percentage as the marks giving hands will be within the reach. But for some people it’s out of their imagination. Some hesitate to meet the lecturers as they are not sure of getting the marks, somewhere convincing themselves that it’s just what they deserve. But some, who could not get 15, decide to study hard in the externals and compensate. My close friend got hung up in total 5 subjects and one among that was due to internals. Though he got 35 in the externals, he had 10 as internals. He didn’t know that it was coming as he was inexperienced, but somebody could have looked into it as they knew it might happen. It’s his fault for sure but this could be avoided with the mere warning. It was very hard for him to take it. Losing a year in fresh start was such a big mess for his social life.

Whenever he used to come to the collage for some paper work or library books or for exam forms, he tried to hide from getting into the eyes of the knowns. I was wondering how hard it would have been for him to take it. 2 years passed by, I was standing with the record of one 5th semester backlog which I didn’t write it in the sixth semester and 4 fresh backlogs in 6th semester itself. And among those 4 subjects, in 2 subjects I failed due to internals. I fell down when I had one last step to take. Our placement officer always said “backlogs are cancer”, it was right. It keeps increasing and will take one down if not treated soon.

Getting up in the morning was very hard. No collage to go, no work to do, no dreams to dream. Plans of joining a part time job kept haunting me as the expenses of that year was counted as waste. Can’t go home and stay as the neighbors would pour in many awful questions which would take my embarrassing facial expression. All relatives who were jealous of my degree seat were in the mood of Christmas Eve. Thought of studying only started to make me feel allergic. Spending time sitting in front of television, thinking why the world is like this, why this thing happened to me, why did I do that and all. Looking at all the celebrities who failed in their school or college days I used to think that I might be heading that way, but nothing kept me positive more than few minutes after.

It’s the period in which I was left to live by myself. I didn’t meet my friends, I didn’t go home. All the days went in the same way, living the basic life. Yap, the time runs out very fast once the routine becomes usual. As the day came nearer to go back to the college, the thought of new people around the class room made me a bit uncomfortable. Remembering the look that I gave to the new faces which used to add to the classes year by year kept embarrassing me, as I would be the one among those now.

The first day in the collage after getting eligibility was not even close to that first day of degree. Entering the class after the lecturer to avoid the alien looks from the people was a way. Getting up in the every class and asking the lecturer to add my name in the attendance, trying to find my own group in the lab was hard.

I was responsible for this state and I was the one who ruined my life, I admit. But somewhere in the corner of my mind I have a thought that, this entire year could have been saved if at least one internal marks among those two would have been 15. What happened is happened. It was a very heavy and lengthy lesson to learn, but the life that I lived was never been like living. Since many of you will never go through this life, I would like to say what it will teach. “No matter how hard it is, have your internals as 15”, “no matter how much hard the life becomes, you will definitely be able to live it”.



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